November 4, 2017
I have let my wandering mind “monkey mind” get the best of me. I felt my practice was rocking along really well, I was learning more & more each day and I felt I was making progress in my practice. Then along came Kinney and I reached out to help him. I felt really good about being able to show someone the path and start them in practice. This lifted me up and I felt like the sun was really shining on me. I felt really peaceful and at the same time I worried that I may mislead Kinney. I guess I was having mixed feelings. So I increased my meditation to regain the peaceful path I had been on prior to Kinney. It was gratifying to see Kinney’s suffering lesson through our efforts, it was inspiring to me and lifted me up. (Maybe touched my ego a little.) I really was not aware of what was happening in my mind with and why these shifts. Once Kinney left, I had time to really look deeper into myself to determine what I was doing and what was causing this suffering in myself. Over the past 2 to 3 weeks I haven’t heard from Kinney. So I started to worry – my ego was wounded – and I began obsessing over my own difficulties.
After a lot of meditation and self-reflection – I have come to the conclusion I got into a sense of self-aggrandization – self-importance attitude. I took two steps back and cleared my minds eye and am working on my awareness of what comes to my mind moment by moment so I can better see when my thoughts and feelings turn upside down or sideways and be more vigilant this moment to understand cause and effect. I am working on adjusting and specifically on awareness so that when events happen I can recognize them at once and not allow the waters to muddy or one thing does not become another. I really believe that I was trying to walk my path and Kinney’s path as well. That does not work. I can do nothing more than show someone the path, if they choose to walk the path in search of nirvana, and by doing all I can brings benefit to all sentient beings, hoping nothing more than to reach the other shore. That is my first conundrum and I’m working it out.