Question about accomplishments
“Im happy with my recent acomplishments/success being able to reign in my anger. Put my negative thoughts to the side, focus on accepting my circumstance. Ive been 30 days disciplinary free which is a true achievement. I haven’t exploded gone over the edge lately THESE ARE ALL RECENT ACHIEVEMENTS I CAN HANG MY HAT ON. MAY NOT SEEM LIKE MUCH BUT ARE HUGE FOR ME.”
Question about breaking an unkind habit
Fortunately I was able to break this habit. It was lying! For as long as I could remember I could and would lie about everything. It caused me more damn problems than anything else in my life. Most importantly it led my family to not to be able to trust me. I had been incarcerated a little over a year and was having a discussion at visitation and everytime I’d answer a question they would respond are you sure? I was like YEAH you JUST HEARD ME didn’t you! They explained to me how much Id lied to them in the past etc is why they were questioning me then. I couldn’t blame them only thing I could do was change that about myself!
I often spend my time complaining about this place to my family when I call and write home as well about rights we are denied etc. In both of these instances instead of complaining to the guards about this stuff or to other prisoners about our conditions I could be listening to whats going on with them finding out what or how they are being effected by prison life and see if theres something I could actualy do! In the case of me complaining to my peope in the streets its unkindly cause everyone is in such a rush in society to just listen I should be able to sit and listen to them and what they have going on and be there sounding board instead of complaining and worrying them.
Im so full of hatred for the sytem Im incarcerated in that it eats at me depriving me of all joy decent conversation, relationships and overall lie. “Its why I sought out HELP I need the peace Im finding now.” This HATRED is my worst unkind habit it effets everyone myself, my family, my victims of the violence.
THREE THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR
1) Im grateful for the recent neighbors Ive received resulting in quiet living conditions.
2) Im grateful for the officers working the area I live in being patient with me.
3) Im grateful for the new people Ive been meeting lately!
Question about unkind self-centered habits
1) Demanding Im a very demanding person I expect things to be done when, how, I want them done not taking in to consideration the others involved or how it effects them.
2) Listener Im a very poor listener – I’ll often become distracted not giving the other person the amount of attention they’ve shown me when Im speaking.
3) Physicaly violent when I get past angry to the point of RAGE I become physicaly violent not caring when I hurt it can be a person who has done nothing as long as someone gets hurt.
4) Judgemental Im very judgemental of others quick to point out things I see or think that they are doing wrong or I don’t approve of.
Questions about his three most harmful unkind habits
1) PHYSICAL VIOLENCE: This unkind habit of mine is always directed at someone else yes its been directed at partners friends, relatives, co workers and strangers.
- What caused me to be unkind? Hell it can be anything usualy its when Im stressed over other matters in life I’ll need some sort of release and explode in rage using physical violence.
- Describe the unkind behavior that resulted from this habit: Well I usualy beat, stomp, or stab whomever Im able to get ahold of.
- What was the effect of your unkindness on your and on anybody else who was involved? As for myself I receive additional prison sentences, restricted movement within the prison, etc. Others involved often receive physical injuries. Some have proclaimed to suffer from emotional distress afterwards.
2) VERBALY ABUSIVE: Ex-wife, relatives, prison guards.
- What caused you to be unkind? These individuals often done something I didn’t approve of or wasn’t to my liking. Often they haven’t done anything wrong I was just being inconciderate impatient unmindful etc.
- Describe the unkind behavior that would result from this habit. When I didn’t like or approve of things I would often cuss or brow beat these individuals until they would finaly give into what I wanted.
- What was the effect of your unkindness on you and on anybody else who was involved. As far as myself it created a man who actualy believed this was the way to conduct himself and get things done it cost me my marriage, friendships, jobs, and relationships with family.
- Unkind habit directed at? Its directed at other inmates.
- What caused you to be unkind. I have always thought highly of myself I just hear guys bragging and know they are lying so I put em out there.
- If I feel THREATENED by someones presence or have a dislike for them or they are constantly trying to prove how clever or smart they are I’ll find was to doop them then openly rub it in their face.
- What was the effect of your unkindness on you and on anyone else who was involved. On myself it makes me look childish and imature. As far as effecting the other person Im sure it effects their self esteem image etc.
From Christopher’s recent letters:
I’m going to work on the mindful breathing! Now I know I’ve got so many things I’m trying to do! I won’t let this hinder me. I really think my problem or “source of suffering” is not being able to accept this last sentence!
So lets just say there are a lot of men in here who seek my approval for whatever reason. I’ve recently encountered a young man who has the chance to make parole at class two yet he continues to do violent things. I’m able to talk to him thru the ventilation system and constantly explain to him he doesn’t want to go thru this. Yet he glamorizes the things I’ve done in here. Always making offers to carry out violent acts to try to impress me. I’ve been talking to him recently about there being better ways of rejecting all negative conversation, encouraging him to go home to his little boy. Yet I see he has no peace he just assaults officers, prisoners, etc. I hope your not upset that I didn’t ask first but I sent him the How Love Wins Material that I’ve completed along with those first four chapters of The Heart of Buddhist Teaching. Doug I’m not trying to destroy everyones lives anymore and to be honest due to my reputation men listen watch and follow what I do. In “How Love Wins” there was a question pertaining to me having a purpose. Over the past two weeks its become clearer to me that I have a purpose even here in the prison and its to take the violent things I’ve done and turn them into good to use my influence amongst these young men to show them how to find themselves and turn there suffering and pain into peace and joy! Do I have a long way to go myself? Yes! I’ve got to help others to have it “Peace” myself! I’m still helping others with their minor legal matters here on the prison level. Along with lending a hand anywhere else I can.
Alrighty, I’m going to close for today I hope this find you guys in the best of health and spirit.
P.S. I just don’t want to see these young men go thru the things I have especially following my lead so I have to “change my direction”
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